I sometimes have a hard time being
an open book. So for some reason I have decided that starting a blog, where I
talk about things I normally wouldn’t, would be a good idea (if you know me,
you can probably hear the sass in my voice while reading that). One thing I
don’t like to admit is where I struggle and where I have flaws. Well, here I am,
saying aloud that one of my biggest struggles is having faith and trusting in
the Lord. As someone who has grown up in a Christian home and accepted Christ
as my Savior at a very young age, I know that having faith and trusting God is
a MAJOR part of being a Christian. However, I have a hard time believing that
He will get me over every bump in the road. I know that He is capable to do the impossible, but I still have a hard time convincing myself.
God obviously knows that this is a
problem in my heart. He knows that I like to do things my way, on my time, and
according to my plans. Almost a year ago, He started doing some major work in
my life to teach me how to have faith and trust in Him. A year ago, I was a
freshman at Samford University, my dream school. I had wanted to go there since
the summer before my junior year of high school. I didn’t even look anywhere
else because I knew that Samford was in my plan for myself. Well first semester
did not go quite as expected. It was a very dark time in my life where I felt
like I was trapped in a deep pit. I felt completely alone and as if I had been
totally separated from God. Because of that feeling of separation, I felt like
He couldn’t help me out of this pit. I would talk to my mom about it and she
would encourage me to pray and read my Bible, but for some reason I just
couldn’t bring myself to do so. After spending several months feeling like I
was in total darkness, something changed and I finally heard God’s voice. I was
so broken, and even though I was at what I thought was my lowest point, I heard
Him speak to me. I felt like I was being pushed to go a different route than
the route I had set out for myself. For some weird reason, I felt like I was
being told to apply to Auburn University. Why the heck would I want to go
there? Yeah, I had a lot of friends there, but I had grown up an Alabama fan. I
didn’t even apply to Auburn my senior year. I had told people before that I
would NEVER attend Auburn. I had no desire to go to a big state school. But for
some reason, I felt like I was being told, maybe even called, to do so. One
late night in November, I applied to Auburn and didn’t tell anyone. I woke up
the next morning and bluntly told my parents that I had applied to Auburn. They
were beyond confused. They knew that I had been struggling that semester, but
they thought I was making an irrational decision. I kept telling them I didn’t
know why I did it, but something was telling me I wasn’t supposed to be at
Samford.
Going to Auburn was so out of my
comfort zone. I am the kind of person that stays in my comfort zone. Like I
said, I like to follow MY plans. Auburn was not in MY plan. Auburn to me was
big and scary and unknown. I wanted to go to Samford because it was small and,
well, in my comfort zone. So why did I apply to Auburn? Why would I want to leave
my dream school? Yeah, I might not have had a perfect semester, but Samford had
become a familiar place. I didn’t want to uproot and go to a new place. I was
terrified that starting all over would be just as bad, if not worse. I didn’t
trust the path that God had planned for me. I kept telling myself that I probably
wouldn’t be accepted to Auburn. My grades hadn’t been as high as I'd hoped and I was
pre-nursing so I didn’t think they would want me. I figured if I got in (which
would be a miracle), then there must be some reason God wanted me to go, so I
would. But in my plan, I wasn’t going to get in. Well, against what I thought,
I was accepted. At first I was ecstatic, mostly because it was great to feel
that I was good enough. Then I was terrified. God was leading me into a place that
I knew nothing about. I questioned why He wanted me take this path. Samford
seemed to be a place where the majority of the students and faculty loved the
Lord. So why would He not want me there? What would I say to my friends at Samford? What would they think of me? I knew He had placed Auburn in the
picture for a reason. As hard as it was, I knew He was using this experience to
teach me how to fully trust Him. God wanted me to follow Him.
I know I am only one month into my
first semester at Auburn, but so far it is going much better than last. I miss
Samford like crazy, but I remind myself everyday to trust God as to why He
placed me at a new school. God now feels closer than ever and I don’t feel like
I am ever too distant to be beyond His reach. Following God to an unfamiliar
place was incredibly difficult and was not a smooth ride. But seeing God’s plan
for me being revealed has showed that in the end His plan truly is
greater than mine. Through this roller coaster experience, God has taught me to let go of my own plan and to just follow Him.
